As time went on it seemed forever

#TheRamones

As some of you might have noticed, I’ve been in a bad place recently. My thoughts were drifting towards more negative thoughts and I’ve been feeling extremely anxious all the time.

I feel like I’m getting better now. It’s always the same. Every month there is a time when I feel like everything is negative. It’s related to my menstrual cycle and it’s extremely frustrating because it doesn’t matter how my life is going, I always feel horrible.

Now I finally feel like I’m back to normal, thank goodness.

The thing is that when I’m feeling down I can’t draw at all. All the insecurities I’ve been fighting come rushing back and I don’t feel strong enough to push them back into the small box I keep them in and stash away in the back of my mind.

All the fears come crawling back to the front. Fear of the blank page. Fear that if I start a drawing it won’t be as good as others I’ve made. Fear that I’ll never be as good as the artists I admire. Fear that this will never amount to anything more than a hobby. Fear that I’m just kidding myself.

When all those feelings disappeared and I felt like myself again, I started to feel frustrated because, even though I felt more confident, I still couldn’t bring myself to draw.

Then one day, as I was scrolling down my Pinterest homepage, I came across a picture of an obi belt. The pattern was beautiful and an image immediately popped into my head.

I rushed to my room and sketched it out.

I inked it in and decided it would make a great birthday present for my mum (it’s her birthday tomorrow) if it turned out OK.

I decided to change the colours so it would better suit my mother’s taste, so I grabbed the Japanese colour dictionary I bought while in Japan and looked for a colour scheme that I liked.

I slowly coloured it in, being extra patient and letting each layer of colour dry before I added the next one (I mostly use watercolours, and I didn’t want the colour to bleed).I got scared sometimes, especially because I was choosing colours and making decisions on the spot, but I soldiered on. I kept asking my boyfriend to give me his opinion because he’s an artist and has a good eye for colour.

When I finished, I was so incredibly happy with the end result that I almost ran and showed it to my parents. I can’t wait to see my mother’s face when I give it to her. She always gets a bit emotional when I show her a drawing because she knows what I went through after university.

I’ll only post it online after she gets her gift, just so there’s no risk she’ll somehow stumble upon it. But let me tell you this: when inspiration comes, don’t wait until later. I honestly think that if I had waited, those fears would’ve come back and stopped me.

Inspiration is something fleeting.

I’m not saying you should wait for it, either. I know that doesn’t work. You’ll end up waiting forever. Keep drawing, something will come out. But if you do have an idea, don’t wait. Do it.

Here’s a sketch. No. A finished drawing, that I’m quite proud of.

Fox Shrine (2)

The Sardine.

Small epiphany

No song references today.

Last Friday was my birthday.

I didn’t particularly plan a birthday party per say, as I hate planning them. I get way too stressed out about it and if people are enjoying themselves or not. This time I just sent a message to my friends saying, I’ll be in Lisbon, come meet me and we’ll have a few drinks.

On Saturday I went to work in the morning, had a very long birthday lunch with my family and then headed out to Lisbon with my boyfriend, who’d flown in for the weekend. We walked around, had dinner, and then decided to wait for my friends in a bar.

We ended up finding an izakaya (Japanese-style bar) and decided to go in, as we’ve been missing Japan. We started a conversation with the bartender, who was there trying to learn Portuguese. We drank sake and ate snacks and waited for my friends.

They started messaging me saying that they were late.

This was expected, they’re never on time. I told them to be there at 10pm but knew they’d only show up by 12.

Then my best friend showed up. We had a few drinks still in the izakaya.

Then people started saying they weren’t coming. They were too tired.

At the time I just ignored it and continued enjoying myself, it was a really pleasant evening. And I got to practice my Japanese, which is always good.

But when I was in bed a sadness took over me.

They couldn’t be bothered to make the effort and come to have a drink. What the hell? What kind of friends are they? I always make the effort to go out and see them. I even decided to have drinks in Lisbon because it was more convenient for them. And they couldn’t even get off their lazy asses and have a fucking drink with me on my birthday?

I pushed those feelings deep down so I could enjoy the rest of the weekend with my boyfriend. We enjoyed the sunshine, played with my parents’ dog, watched MotoGP (big fan) and on Monday I drove him to the airport.

Once he was gone, I opened that box of feelings up again. It didn’t help that I was already feeling down, saying goodbye to my boyfriend is never easy. My thoughts turned so negative that I decided to just spend the day watching Netflix until I had to go to work, just to distract me.

Then, a couple days later, as I was putting my thoughts down in my writing notebook, I realised that I’m really to blame for feeling so negatively about my friends.

I’m not saying that it wasn’t upsetting that they didn’t show up, but I’m the one who’s putting all these expectations on my friends and getting disappointed by myself. It’s always been difficult to get them together and they have really busy schedules.

All this frustration is coming from myself. I need to stop wasting energy on things that I can’t control, and learn to appreciate what I do have. Instead of feeling upset because my friends are too busy or too tired to come and see me, I should enjoy the fact that they find time in their busy schedules to go out with me from time to time.

After this small epiphany, I’ve been feeling a lot better, I’m not even upset anymore and look forward to seeing my friends whenever they have the time.

Here’s another sketch of Cat Noir from Miraculous Ladybug. Once I started, I just had to keep going. This one was made digitally.

Chat_Noir (1)

The Sardine