Alone, I often fall into nothingness

#VirginiaWoolf

This week I haven’t been able to draw. It’s probably because I’ve been feeling down, as I do every month, so when I’m feeling down I try to write, as I’ve found it’s a good frame of mind to do so.

I mean, if I’m going to feel down anyway, I might as well get something out of it, right?

In my writing, I’ve been trying to describe a feeling that washes over me when I’m having a particularly low moment, as if the world slows down and every shift in the air is picked up by your skin. As if you’re on drugs and everything seems hightened and dull at the same time.

Have you ever had that feeling? When you can feel every individual muscle moving as you go up the stairs and it feels like you’re moving in slow-motion and yet the world hasn’t changed at all, it’s you who’s different somehow.

It’s a very difficult feeling to describe. I wonder if it’s the brain’s way of protecting itself against whatever dark thoughts are trying to emmerge and take shape. Maybe it has to become slippery  in order to stop those thoughts from latching onto it.

I have since then began to feel better, I guess this month’s cycle is almost over, but as I was looking for better ways to describe this mood I happened upon this quote by Virginia Woolf:

Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I must push my foot stealthily lest I should fall off the edge of the world into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body.

Virginia Woolf, The Waves

This. This is what it is.

I’ve been struggling with describing this, and Virginia Woolf had it all along. This past week I’ve been wondering if it was something unique to myself. I’ve got mixed feelings about discovering that it isn’t. Relieved because I’m not different and frustrated because I’m not.

Here’s a sketch (sorry about the quality, I don’t own a scanner).

IMG_20180523_115109_166

The Sardine

Comfortably numb

#PinkFloyd

I’ve got a confession to make.

I’m an extremely lazy person.

When it comes to work I work as hard as I can and have the motivation to keep going until the job is done. I like going the extra mile.

But when it comes to my free time, I’m hopeless. I can spend the whole day in front of the TV and not even want to move out of the couch.

Sometimes I justify my laziness. I’ll draw at the same time as I watch yet another episode of Hannibal, I’ll write notes as I rewatch The Prince of Egypt for the millionth time and I’ll feel like I’ve achieved something that day.

This is what I did last Sunday, by the way. With all this talk of making choices and using my time in a more meaningful way, I haven’t really fixed the problem that the weekend brings for me.

The difference was that last Sunday I didn’t feel completely fine about spending the whole day in front of the TV. At the end of the day I thought to myself: yes, I’ve drawn something and yes, I’ve written a bit, but if I hadn’t been watching TV at the same time, I would’ve drawn and written a lot more than what I did.

If I had been more productive, maybe I’d have written a new chapter for my story, or drawn a lot more, maybe even gotten my watercolours and ink out and started that sketchbook that I didn’t throw away in the hopes of getting back into sketching (see previous post).

Could have, would have, should have.

I can’t change how I spent my Sunday, but I can change the Sundays to come. I’ve made a list of things that I should spend time on over the weekend. I haven’t made a schedule for them as I usually do, and I’m not saying that I have to spend a certain amount of time on them no matter what, but that I should consider doing them instead of sitting on the couch in front of the TV. Making lists and making schedules is a thing that I love to do, but when I miss out on a day I just give up on the whole thing.

So here are the suggestions:

  1. Draw digitally and on paper.
  2. Write for the blog and for my story.
  3. Spend time with friends or family.
  4. Go out, either to walk or to do something educational / cultural.

And I’ve also decided to try an experiment similar to my no chocolate week (see previous post), I’ll be having a no Netflix week, starting today.

I know why I sit in front of the TV for a whole day and don’t budge. It usually happens when I’m feeling down. It’s very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything if you’re depressed. But maybe if I ask myself whether or not I’m using my time in a meaningful way I might nudge myself into moving.

At least I’ll plant a seed of doubt in my brain, and that might grow into action.

How do you pull yourself out of numbness?

Here’s the drawing I made in front of the TV.

Classy

The Sardine