As time went on it seemed forever

#TheRamones

As some of you might have noticed, I’ve been in a bad place recently. My thoughts were drifting towards more negative thoughts and I’ve been feeling extremely anxious all the time.

I feel like I’m getting better now. It’s always the same. Every month there is a time when I feel like everything is negative. It’s related to my menstrual cycle and it’s extremely frustrating because it doesn’t matter how my life is going, I always feel horrible.

Now I finally feel like I’m back to normal, thank goodness.

The thing is that when I’m feeling down I can’t draw at all. All the insecurities I’ve been fighting come rushing back and I don’t feel strong enough to push them back into the small box I keep them in and stash away in the back of my mind.

All the fears come crawling back to the front. Fear of the blank page. Fear that if I start a drawing it won’t be as good as others I’ve made. Fear that I’ll never be as good as the artists I admire. Fear that this will never amount to anything more than a hobby. Fear that I’m just kidding myself.

When all those feelings disappeared and I felt like myself again, I started to feel frustrated because, even though I felt more confident, I still couldn’t bring myself to draw.

Then one day, as I was scrolling down my Pinterest homepage, I came across a picture of an obi belt. The pattern was beautiful and an image immediately popped into my head.

I rushed to my room and sketched it out.

I inked it in and decided it would make a great birthday present for my mum (it’s her birthday tomorrow) if it turned out OK.

I decided to change the colours so it would better suit my mother’s taste, so I grabbed the Japanese colour dictionary I bought while in Japan and looked for a colour scheme that I liked.

I slowly coloured it in, being extra patient and letting each layer of colour dry before I added the next one (I mostly use watercolours, and I didn’t want the colour to bleed).I got scared sometimes, especially because I was choosing colours and making decisions on the spot, but I soldiered on. I kept asking my boyfriend to give me his opinion because he’s an artist and has a good eye for colour.

When I finished, I was so incredibly happy with the end result that I almost ran and showed it to my parents. I can’t wait to see my mother’s face when I give it to her. She always gets a bit emotional when I show her a drawing because she knows what I went through after university.

I’ll only post it online after she gets her gift, just so there’s no risk she’ll somehow stumble upon it. But let me tell you this: when inspiration comes, don’t wait until later. I honestly think that if I had waited, those fears would’ve come back and stopped me.

Inspiration is something fleeting.

I’m not saying you should wait for it, either. I know that doesn’t work. You’ll end up waiting forever. Keep drawing, something will come out. But if you do have an idea, don’t wait. Do it.

Here’s a sketch. No. A finished drawing, that I’m quite proud of.

Fox Shrine (2)

The Sardine.

You can go your own way

#FleetwoodMac

Lately I’ve been trying to be more present.

When I read in the living room I don’t turn the TV on. If I’m with my friends or relatives I don’t look at my phone (or try not to).

But it’s difficult to be completely present all the time. Especially when I’m teaching.

I’m a teacher, by the way.

When I’m teaching my thoughts often wonder. Whenever my students are completing a task or writing I’ll catch myself thinking about other things, especially if I’ve been writing that day. I go through plots in my head or have ideas for a blog post and then I find myself wishing for the lesson to be over so I can start working on that.

It made me wonder if teaching was actually something that I was passionate about.

And before I finished writing that question in the tiny notebook I carry with me all the time I already knew the answer: yes.

I love teaching. I love getting to know my students and watching them get better with each lesson.

I love teaching, even though sometimes I can’t be bothered to work.

Being passionate about something doesn’t mean that you’ll always enjoy doing it, there’ll always be moments when we don’t think we can keep going. Being passionate about something means pushing through those moments and not giving up on what you’re doing, on what you know you love.

I don’t know if teaching is what I want to do for the rest of my life, but why do we have to put ourselves under that much pressure? Why not just enjoy what we’re doing at the moment and if later on it doesn’t interest us as much we can always focus on something else.

There’s no such thing as lifelong positions or careers. That’s a concept from previous generations that doesn’t work anymore.

Let’s stop living under the outdated notion that to be happy we have to get a job, buy a house, get married and have kids.

Let’s make our own paths and see where they lead us.

Here’s a sketch.

DSC_3710 (2)

The Sardine